The Painter and the Diamond

I used to look at the sky. It used to be blank, like an empty canvas, and I know I was the painter; a painter who was unaware that she was the painter. I was always too busy, trying to think of what could be drawn on those sad empty skies. I was always too busy trying to uncover the shiny little trinkets hidden behind those dark colors, that I almost did not notice the brightly shining diamond who had been beside me the whole time and it took me very long to notice, but just long enough to finally be able to realize that I am the painter; long enough to finally fix my broken paintbrush so I could start painting again.

First night: I looked at the sky. The shiny little trinkets were finally beginning to unbosom. I was finally able to make use of that thin paintbrush that was slowly getting swallowed by dust. The sky was a little brighter now, but it was still dark.

Second night: I looked at the sky. I found the diamond and saw what real glitters looked like. I painted the little trinkets again, and applied the shiny glitters that I perceived from the diamond. It inspired me, and the sky became even brighter. I knew it was a start of something new.

Third night: The shiny little trinkets were gone. They were no longer just little trinkets, but finally recongnizeable as stars already. They surrounded an even brighter crescent-shaped object. It was the moon. The sky was happier to look at this time.

Fourth night: Stars in the sky formed asterisms. What was once just a crescent-shaped moon slowly transformed to a full round-shaped moon. The sky wasn’t sad to look at. It was something different, and I was the one who painted it that way, all motivated by the diamond’s shining shimmers.

I am the painter who used to be inspirationless. He is the diamond who inspired me to become better.

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Dear “friend”,

Let me start with a reminder of what a friend is supposed to be: a confidante, while you are nothing but a person who feeds on information; a helping hand, while you are nothing but a burden; a support, and you are nothing but a jealous pessimist.

I never really considered you as part of my circle. You were just someone who suddenly barged in, and started to be one of the people that I ate with and walked with because I had no choice. I had to give you a chance. But did you ever realize how I never really trusted you with my problems? Did you ever realize that I never told you anything deep? Yes, I didn’t. That’s because I never trusted you. I knew you only looked at your friends as your underlings. I knew you were only up for “fun stuff”. You did not even want me to be in one of your “fun stuff” when you found out that I wasn’t up for all of it. Yeah, I don’t drink.

You really sound funny everytime you talk to me as if you know me, as if you know every little thing that goes on in my life. No, you do not, and you don’t have even the tiniest idea of it. I’m just someone who sometimes allows you to feel like the queen you want to be, and I regret that I even allow that.
A friend is supposed to be true. A friend is supposed to help you become a better person. A friend is supposed to be considerate of the others’ feelings and be open to constructive criticisms as well.

A friend is everything that you are not.

A common misconception about distance in relationships

Distance is important in a relationship, they say. Couples do not have to be together all the time. They should also learn to leave space between them. That is the key to a healthy relationship.Well if you’d take those words literally and as exactly the way they appear to be, you won’t be able to achieve the healthy relationship that you are actually trying to achieve. Yes, couples do not have to be together all the time. However, if they can manage to be together for as long as they’d like, let them be. One method does not always work for the others anyway. What about the married couples who see each other everyday, who eat together, sleep together, and wake up next to each other always? If they’d take that tip literally, then their relationship might just end up in divorce.

Relationships should involve interdepence; not over dependence or over independence. It should be like two people who can live away from each other and can each grow independently, but still choose to stay together. It should be like growing as different individuals, but can put up a strong team when combined. Just because you see two people together all the time, doesn’t mean they can’t live without each other. They probably just prefer the company of each other more than anyone else’s, because that’s where they can only find a positive contribution to their being. They can live away from each other, but they choose not to because they know they’re able to become the best version of themselves when they are together.

Distance is important in a relationship, they say. Couples do not have to be together all the time. They should also leave space between them. That is the key to a healthy relationship. Wrong. Distance is also important in a relationship. It can also be helpful in making a relationship tighter. However, love is still choosing to stay together, even when they can live away from each other.

A million questions

What do those eyes want to convey?

What does it mean, when you stare at someone and let the gaze follow unto their direction? I always wonder if you want to be with that person too.

What does it mean, when you look down at the ground and frown when I tell you something with a smile when deep inside, my heart isn’t smiling? Can you read my mind, or hear the screams of my chest?

What does it mean, when you look at me with that reassuring smile, even when you know that my heart is breaking? Are you trying to make me feel better? Because you really are succeeding.

When you hold my hand, it makes me feel safe.

When you wrap your arms around me, it makes me feel warm.

When your lips touch my cheek, you make me feel loved.

But love, tell me. Why do I feel like you’re still gonna leave me?

Why do I feel like later on, I still won’t matter?

Why do I feel like tomorrow, you will not be on my side anymore?

We are a team, but why do I feel like years from now, it will just be you and others?

#4: “Honor your father and your mother”

Once upon a time, they made love and you were the product of it. She carried you for 9 long months and he worked hard to give you all that you needed to become what you are today.

Years ago, you couldn’t even bear to be away from them for a few minutes. You were so clingy. You were so sweet. You were so close. You said they were the ones that you loved the most. But whatever happened to the love that you claimed to have for them?

She came to you to check if you were okay, immediately after you said that you felt unwell, despite the fact that she herself was unwell too. She did not mind the business that she would be leaving, and the miles that she would be travelling. She was just worried about you, the sweet little angel that she used to have. How ungrateful of you to talk back when she was only calmly advising. How could you act like you’re being treated badly, when she was only upset because you wouldn’t hang out with her, when you only see each other a very few times in a semester? How could you talk behind her back, spreading nasty rumors about her being so mean to you, while making yourself look like the innocent good girl?

You wouldn’t answer her texts and calls, and you still had the guts to rudely ask for money when you needed it. They wanted to come and see you, but you reacted unpleasantly and resisted because you didn’t want to see them. Did you already forget that you used to become all excited when they called to pay you a visit? Did you already forget that you used to stay in their room and become all teary-eyed whenever it’s already time for them to leave?

You changed. The sweet little angel that they used to have, suddenly turned into an evil monster. But because she is your mother, she couldn’t stand a day of not talking to you. She tried to reach you again through me, and through your other friends, but you totally closed your doors for her, because of a very shallow reason. Believe me when I tell you it’s shallow, because I’ve been into big fights with my mom, but still got back together after a day, because I truly believed that those who disrespect the elderlies will be punished with bad karma.

No matter how hard you will be on them, they will still be the parents who will unconditionally love you. You’re a lady now, and maybe you’re trying to be independent, but at least be grateful for the things that they give you. Yes, you’re a lady now, so stop acting like a spoiled bratte.

Hiding behind a mask

Everytime they ask me how I feel, I always give them that reassuring smile, to convince them that I’m okay and everything is okay. Nobody knows how hurt I am, and I prefer it to stay that way.
I do not know what to feel, now that I could already clearly see the extreme blur in our relationship.

I would laugh at myself everytime I feel the urge of texting you again with an “I love you.” It would only remind me of how stupid I am to still be chasing after you, when you obviously feel fine without me.

You have betrayed me a million times, but still don’t understand why I continue to be with you despite the diminishing trust. I am supposed to love you less, but I’m exhibiting the other way around by staying with you and it only makes things worse for me to handle.

I just hope someone will understand that behind this seemingly naive and happy face is a strong and fighting woman, who also deserves a knight who will willingly save her from the shit hole she fell into.

Not a Fairytale

Once upon a time, I was in love. We were very in love. Well at least, that’s what I thought.

During the last time someone told me he’ll come back for me, it just turned out to be a lie. I wasn’t hurt, and I was grateful for that, because I wasn’t that attached to him yet.

Now, being told “I will come back for you, I promise,” by someone you’ve been very attached to? I don’t know what to do anymore.

They all tell me that I am a strong person, and that they’ve known me for years so I should listen to them when they tell me I can get through this. Yeah, that’s what you all think because that’s what I always make you believe. Deep down inside, nobody else can see how fragile this heart is. Nobody understands that I can’t handle things alone. Nobody knows how much painful it is. Nobody knows but me.

Where has my chivalrous knight in shining armor gone? Why isn’t he here yet? Why isn’t he taking me out of this shithole yet? Why am I alone? Where has everybody gone?

Then a sudden realization struck me.┬áThis isn’t a fairytale.

It is easy to handle lies for someone who is a liar. But for someone so vulnerable and over-trusting, everything just seems so difficult to handle when there’s no one there to support.

Yes, I am always afraid. I am always afraid to get hurt, but look, I never run out of courage to take risks. Ironic, but it’s the truth. Because I am a true soldier of love.

Just the same irony when you said you love me, but you’ll have to leave me. Fucking irony, but it’s the truth, and the truth hurts. It hurts like hell.

Once upon a time, we were so in love, but now you’re leaving, and there’s no happy ever after.